Who I was 50 Pounds Ago

It's Wednesday.  Hump Day. Middle of the week Day.  Whatever you want to call it, we are halfway to the weekend...holla!!

During my morning workout session, I was racking my brain about what I wanted to write about today.  You see, the longer I do this little 'ol blog, I know the harder it is going to be to come up with interesting things to talk about on here with y'all.  I don't want to bore you, but I also want to just be me and speak my mind; to vent my feelings, so to speak.

Anyway, as you have probably figured out if you have read any of my posts to date, something I work on every.single.day is my fitness.  Sometimes I wish I wasn't so obsessed over it.  That I didn't think about it 50 times a day.  That my days aren't complete if I don't get a workout in.  That my vacations aren't fun if the hotel we are staying at doesn't have a gym.  Then I beat myself up and ask myself why I do that.  And, the answer became clear to me this morning.  It's like I had an epiphany.  And this is what I came up with:

Enter the year 2009.  I was newly married, living in a tiny one bedroom apartment and working a dead end retail job as an "assistant manager."  I wasn't happy.  Yes, I loved my husband, but I never saw him.  Anyone who has ever worked in retail will understand this.  Retail hours suck.  I was working early mornings, late nights and every single weekend.  I was getting paid a whopping $13 an hour for busting my ass on a daily basis.

Don't I look oh so happy to be heading off to work?? 

So, what was a girl to do after being on her feet for 12-14 straight hours?  I mean I was obviously starving from all the I calories I had "burned" by slinging denim all day.  So, I would pull my little car into the McD's drive through and order myself a double cheeseburger and a McChicken with a side of fries and a Diet Coke (who was I kidding with that?!)  Or, if I was really hungry, I would pull into Taco Bell and order two chalupas, nachos and a soft taco.  I would park my car in a random parking lot and devour every last bite.  Then, when I was stuffed and miserable, I would take the wrappers and stuff them in a trash can to destroy the evidence.  I never admitted this to anyone, not even A, until just recently.

It came up on our little trip to Minnesota.  We obviously were eating on the road, so we were looking for the fastest, most convenient food we could to save time and money...so when A asked me what I wanted at McD's and my stomach turned, I ordered a grilled chicken salad.  He looked at me like I had just robbed a bank.  He immediately goes "you can't go to McDonald's and order a salad.  That's un-American."  That is when I told him my dirty little secret.

I know I shouldn't and really don't have to worry about every little thing that goes into my body.  Because 5-6 days a week I eat clean and I workout over an hour 6 days a week.  But, that image of my chubby little self stuffing my mouth with greasy cheeseburgers and fried tacos every other night still stings my eyes and makes me sick.  I wasn't happy.  I wasn't happy with my job, with myself and I definitely wasn't happy with my body.  But, it was like I was a hamster on a wheel.  I was just running that rat race everyday.  I would cry myself to sleep some nights just because I was so unhappy.  It was a really dark time for me and nobody knew it but me...although I'm pretty sure A could sense it.  Actually, it wasn't until he brought up the idea of starting to workout that things changed.

We both needed a kick in the behind!  

I honestly don't want to know where I would be today if I had continued down that path I was on.  All that matters is that I did something about it.  I did something for me, and it has made me who I am today.  I wasn't always this confident in my skin.  I never liked looking at pictures of myself.  I had guilt every day about what I was doing to my body.

I busted my behind for those abs!

But you know what?  It doesn't matter if you aren't where you want to be physically right now.  All that matters is that you make the effort to change into who you want to be.  It's not going to happen over night, but I can guarantee you that it will happen.  Just put your mind to it and start somewhere.  I can promise you if you do that, your tomorrow will be better than today.  

Bucket List Check: Right after my first 1/2 marathon this past year